You

  It’s beginning to feel similar to how it felt right before He left. I really don’t want to go down that road again – not now – not ever.

I don’t know what you’re feeling right now, but I know that you are not happy. I understand that life cannot always be full of joy and I’m not asking you to pretend that everything is okay when it’s obviously NOT. But I am asking you to PLEASE remember that I am here. I live in the same apartment as you – I am your partner. Please don’t block me out, push me away and leave me alone AGAIN – it’s not fair to me. This is a relationship we are in.

I’ll admit that I am not the most patient person. I could probably deal with your downs better if I were. I just have a hard time understanding what is going on sometimes – like now. Not understanding makes me feel frustrated. I think that I try to make things ‘better’, but most of the time it seems that no matter what I do NOTHING changes. I see the same vacant look in your eyes. Nothing I do seems to please you. I’m still left standing alone.

I’m willing – and want to – work on this relationship, but I can’t do it ALONE. I’m not in a relationship with myself – though at times it feels that way.

What do I mean to you? Anything? Do you need space? Time apart from me? Have I done something to make you SO distant?

I don’t know what to think when it gets like this. All I know is that neither one of us is happy and I don’t like this AT ALL.

I still love you – I just hate the road you’re turning onto at the moment.

Any idea of when you might decide to turn around and come back to me?

Porno Beef

  This is probably way too much information about my life, but hey, what the frak is a blog for anyway?

That’s right, you heard me. I said frak. So what? So what if I’m an obsessed Battlestar Galactica fan who daydreams day and night of being Starbuck. Not that I don’t enjoy my life as is, it’s simply more entertaining to pretend that I live on a spaceship and fly around battling Cylons all day.

But back to the issue at hand, which is porn and my beef with it.

Sigh.

 

I don’t know what it is about porn that makes me angry. I mean, REALLY angry. Let me start of by telling you that I have this bad habit of checking the history browser after my boyfriends been home alone, and more often than not I find some sort of explicit photos that he’s been looking at. Whether it’s porno videos or random sluts exposing themselves on CL.

I know. Bad Growlbert. I should give him his space and privacy and let him look up whatever he wants and not give him shit for it. Right? Well, for those of you who are saying that in your mind, you will be glad to know that I actually haven’t looked at the history in months. It didn’t take too long for me to realize that all it does is make me angry. I’d rather just pretend that it’s not happening. But I know it is.

I guess what makes me angry about it is that there he is looking at these photos, or videos, of glammed up fake ladies (if you want to call them that, I prefer sluts) when he claims that he likes real women. Those who do not wear makeup or have plastic parts. He says that he doesn’t like ‘girly girls’ who wear high heels and red lipstick, he prefers a down to earth girl who is casual and up for backpacking and outdoorsy adventures. Girls like me. Yet when I do see the girls that he’s been jacking off to while I’m away they are – 9 out of 10 times – women who have gigantic implants – like way obvious ones – and to top it off the women are always caked in layers of makeup. There he is yanking the wanker to these girls that he claims he doesn’t even like. I find that hard to believe. He just finds it hard.

On the few (okay, many) occasions that I have confronted him on this issue he of course gets upset. Tells me that it isn’t right for me to check up on him all the time and that he is entitled to privacy. All very true. He also tells me that it’s just fantasy and therefore it doesn’t matter. The real problem that I have is that he rarely wants to have sex with me. He says that he’s attracted to me and he loves me, but for some reason he just never (or RARELY) feels like doing that. He can’t claim that he has no sex drive being he frequently masturbates to other women. I would be far more understanding if this were an issue of not having a sex drive. That would be a different story, a different circumstance. The fact remains that while he doesn’t want to frak me he still has enough sexual energy to get on the computer and jack off to some random bimbo. So what makes me angry is that I feel like while he doesn’t want to frak me, he would frak any number of these hoes if they were right in front of his face ready to go.

That fraking pisses me off. Makes me feel like I’m less than, not wanted, undesirable. So what do I do? Dress up like these women that he masturbates to? Get some implants? Would he then want to have sex with me?

This whole drama used to actually matter ALOT more to me than it does now. As time has passed I have accepted, to a degree, what is. And luckily in the process I have almost completely lost the desire to have sex with him. To some of you this may sound terrible and you may be saying, “That’s no relationship”, but before you write to me and tell me that I need to find a new relationship that works for me sexually – keep listening.

Somehow this actually does work for me. I love my relationship with him. We are best friends. What’s the big deal if sexually he prefers his fantasy women and I prefer my vibrator? If we are both happy and content to live this way then what’s the problem?

While it definitely took me some time to be ‘okay’ with not having a physical relationship with my ‘lover’, I still have my issues. I still cringe when I see the pics that he needs to look at to get off. Which again is why I don’t do that anymore. It’s hard to resist the urge, but if I find myself badly wanting to look, I simply delete the browsing history before I can snoop at it. Then I never know. Maybe he wasn’t looking at nasty photos. Maybe he was. (He probably was) I will just do my best not to think about it.

All of this leads me to my question – to my main porno beef. Why is it that men (in general) can’t use their imaginations to get off? I’m sick of the fraking lame excuse, “Because they’re visual.” So am I, yet I am still capable of using my imagination without visual prompting and stimulus. Although in a way I suppose that technically what I am doing is ‘worse’ because when I am masturbating I am thinking about people that I actually know personally – I just can’t get off to people that I don’t know, it seems too fake, too unreal. For me I need a believable story – something that could really happen. So I think about people that I know decently well. I don’t need pictures, just my mind. Why can’t he do that? I leave no evidence that I am thinking about sex with other people, he does. The other thing that truly irks me is that while I am thinking and imagining of having sex with these people I would never in real life have sex with them. Maybe that seems strange, but I wouldn’t. But he would have sex with the women that he masturbates to on the net if the opportunity arose. He says it’s not fair to say that because the opportunity would never arise and there’s no point in getting upset over something that would never happen, but the fact remains that he would do them if they were right in front of him ready to go. What difference does it make if that would ever really ever happen or not? He’d still do it if he could.

Feelings are an interesting thing. I know some people who are totally fine with their man looking at porn – they might even look at it with him, but I can’t do that.

I guess that both him and I have some serious sex issues (perhaps?), but somehow, in a twisted sort of way, it works out for the both of us.

My vibrator always gives me an orgasm. Just like his hand always gives him one.